The dirty, liberal media is up to its old tricks again. This time, instead of attacking Sarah Palin, they have set their crosshairs on Carrie. (Although I am sure that once Sarah’s bestselling book hits the shelves, the hate will start flying her way again).

For those of you unfamiliar with Carrie, here is a quick recap. She was in the Miss America pageant and, seemingly, well on her way to winning it. In the Q&A portion of the contest, she was asked her thoughts on gay marriage. Like most of us good Christian Americans, she answered that marriage is strictly for men and women. Makes perfect sense. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, yes?

Well, unfortunately for Carrie, the judges were all flaming liberals and scored her low for her answer. Due to this obvious chicanery, she was robbed of the title. Worse still, she was made a pariah in the liberal media for supporting the proud tradition of marriage. In essence, she was scorned for her religious beliefs.

As if losing wasn’t enough, more allegations were made to sully her name. First, semi-nude photos started popping up on the Internet. This was done to make her look slutty. As those of us who read the Good Book know, Jesus had no problem with nudity. In fact, his best friend Mary Magdalene often walked around with her boobs hanging out. Jesus was no prude.

Next, she was criticized for taking money from the California pageant committee to get breast implants. They gave her this money to improve her chances of winning Miss America. Let’s be honest, you do need a decent rack to win. However, again, this is not inconsistent with her religious upbringing. Leviticus 3:12 says, “Women should provide their men with ample and bountiful boobage. If such boobage does not exist, thou shall go forward and purchase said item(s)”.

The most recent attack against her was made regarding a solo sex tape she had made for her boyfriend. Surely, this would prove she is a Jezebel. Not so fast, my friends. I present to you Copernicus 2:09, “A woman shall provide pleasure to herself in times of solitude. If recording equipment is available, thou shall tape said session for her mate. While instruments are not strictly forbidden, using thou fist shall not be acceptable”.

As you can see, every time the liberal media tries to hurt her reputation, the only word that matters refutes their claims. The evil and dirty Larry King tried to get Carrie to talk about all of this but insisted on asking “inappropriate” questions. The following video is only part of the story.

The following questions were edited out.

Carrie, when you were doing yourself, did you use both hands at once or just one?

Did you ever fantasize about me while you were tearing it up?

Have you ever used the backdoor in your solo lovemaking?

Do you go at the taint very much in your sessions?

And it went on and on. Please, for the love of Pete, stop badgering this fine Christian woman. She has done nothing wrong and we would all be so lucky to have a daughter like her. Well, we would be luckier to have her as a neighbor with lots of big, uncovered windows in her house but that is neither here nor there.

God bless you, Carrie. Keep up the great work.

I wouldn’t want to get our gay servicemen and women in trouble by acknowledging them. They need to stay in the closet where Jesus and Uncle Sam put them. Remember…“don’t ask, don’t tell”.

It used to be “don’t show, don’t tell” because the gay men have a tendency to be showing their junk off all of the time and the lesbians were relentlessly flashing themselves. However, once that problem was eradicated, they went to the new phrase.

It is reported that about 13,000 gays have been kicked out of the military for, I assume, either asking or telling. I don’t know what they asked but it must have been bad to get booted. Maybe they said something like, “Do you want tossed salad with your meatloaf?” You know; something really offensive.

In an interesting development, the Mormon Church has beaten the US Government in accepting gays. They are supporting legislation in Utah that says that gays are essentially equal to non-gays and are entitled to similar protections. Of course, it goes without saying that this does not include marriage. They haven’t completely lost their minds.

So, the military remains one of the last true bastions for us hetero men. When I served some years ago, I could be confident that the other guys with me in the shower were just as manly as me. When we sang songs from A Chorus Line and soaped each others backs, it was in a really macho way. No queers here, thank you very much.

It is nice to know that there are still no gays in the military. How could we tolerate guys running around saying, “Want to polish my gun?” all day long? Or women wearing flannel instead of their required uniforms? Do you really want Clay Aiken leading the troops? I imagine his speech would not be quite Patton-esque.

 “When we land against the enemy, don’t forget to hit him and hit him hard. Of course, I don’t literally mean “hit him”. Use your words. Say mean things about the way their uniform fits or the way the colors clash. I know it will come across as bitchy but war is hell. When they try to surrender, don’t let them. Tell them that you have way too hectic of a schedule to take on visitors. Plus, where would we put them? I can barely fit all of my costumes uniforms in my tent as it is. I have a lot more stuff to say but these boots are absolutely killing me. Toodles!”

Thanks to all of our veterans for all you have done and will continue to do. We are proud of you…all of you.

Do you remember the crazy female astronaut that drove 1000 miles in a diaper to accost her romantic rival? She was packing all kinds of tools and stuff that you would find on pretty much any serial killer worth their money. In fact, she even was wearing a nifty disguise so she could sneak up on her mark. Remember her…Lisa Nowak? Here’s her pic.

Well, she was just sentenced to two days in jail and one year’s probation in exchange for pleading guilty. Now, before you think she got off too easily, she has also been ordered to write her victim a letter of apology. And not just any letter of apology. The judge says it has to be “a sincere letter of apology, not one of these vanilla things that I see from other defendants.” I don’t know about you, but if someone was trying to kill me I would definitely want to get a letter from them. In fact, maybe we could even become pen pals.

Judge Marc Lubet, obviously a refugee from France, came up with this stupid punishment. What the hell kind of sentence is two days? How can you even come up with such a ridiculous number? Why not 6 hours and 37 minutes of hard labor? Did it hurt when you pulled that number out of your ass, judge? It doesn’t matter anyway because they gave her time served on the 2 days so she doesn’t actually have to clear her schedule to make it happen. She is also supposed to take 8 hours of anger management classes but since she has been in “therapy” for 1.5 years, the judge waived that order as well.

Can we revisit the a couple of details because clearly the judge and I read different versions of the story. First, who drives 1000 miles to “just talk” to someone? I could go maybe 50 miles but that’s about it. And I am fairly confident that although I might have a weak bladder, I still wouldn’t be wearing a diaper. (And no, I am not at all admitting to having a weak bladder).

Beyond that, I doubt I would have a disguise and a bag full of questionable items. Such as a mallet, duct tape, pepper spray, bb gun, knife, rubber tubing, and other items that just scream, “I’m fixin’ to rock your world!” There were also allegations that she had a gun, nun chucks, death stars, a book on Jujitsu, Peppermint Patties, a dwarf, and several packets of pop rocks that could have been used in a most devious manner. However, this could not be confirmed. In spite of all of the this, Judge Ito Lubet seemingly found nothing terribly disconcerting. Mmm…ok.

Nowak is, not surprisingly, also not supposed to go near her victim or the paramour that both were pursuing at the time. Hopefully, this means she can spend some more quality time with her husband and 3 children who she deserted when she ran off to find “Mr. Right Stuff”. The rumors that she has been chosen to endorse Depends adult diapers is said to be false. However, Brinks Home Security has asked her to guest star in their next stalker commercial. I hope she gets the job. I love stories with a happy ending.

Phillip Rogers was not at all happy with his wife, Tammy. In fact, he was so agitated with her, he told her, “Why don’t you just go kill yourself?” Tammy, not at all intimidated by Phillip, told him to go fetch the gun for her.

In a moment straight out of The Deer Hunter, Tammy put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the gun was not loaded and nothing happened. This would have been a good time for both parties to take a step back and think about what just transpired.

Because they were drunk, however, the situation only went from bad to worse. Phil, being the type of guy to see things to the end, at this point loaded the gun for Tammy and handed it back to her. She proceeded to point the gun at her head again, pull the trigger, and for all practical purposes, put herself in a vegetative state for the rest of her life.

Of course, this is just Phil’s version of the story. While it seems totally believable, I think I would go with a version that has the part in it where Phil loads the gun and shoots his wife. While she may have pulled the trigger once, had he handed the loaded gun to her the second time, I am confident we would be reading about the now dead Phillip Rogers.

(Phil, giving you his evil “do it” look).

In any case, Phil still got charged with “assisting with an attempted suicide”. Something tells me that this carries somewhat less of a charge than, say, premeditated murder. Nice job, Phil. You might be able to swing some sort of suspended sentence or parole out of the deal.

When Phil was arrested, he allegedly told the police officers to “jump off of a bridge”. Four officers drowned after taking these instructions to heart. Phil just has that kind of effect on people. In fact, when he was arraigned, he told the judge to “stick his head up his ass”. After several minutes of trying to comply, an embarrassed Judge Buford T. Justice called for a recess to wash the poop out of his hair.

Kissimmee police: Here are a few other cases that didn’t happen the way you think they did. Ron and Nicole did not just slip and fall several times on top of a sharp knife. Jimmy Hoffa did not lie down to “take a nap” in a concrete pit. The Menendez Brothers were not crocheting an “I love Mom and Dad” shotgun sheath when the gun “accidentally” went off. David Carradine was not spanking his monkey when he just happened to hang himself. (Wait…he did? Ok, don’t count that one).

Anyway, get to work and don’t let this guy off the hook.

A South Carolina man was arrested after a horse owner videotaped him having sex with her horse. Rodell Vereen (maybe or maybe not a relative of Ben Vereen) was convicted of “buggery” and sentenced to 5 years in jail. Oh, and he is never allowed to go to that stable again.

(Rodell looking really, really sad over the loss of his horse lover).

Rodell was also arrested in 2007 for “buggery”…with the same damned horse. That offense earned him probation and he had to file as a sex offender. I am not sure if there is an animal sexual offender list or if everyone is just lumped into together. Clearly, Rodell is in love with this animal.

Some of you may be thinking, “didn’t I just read about this a few months ago?” Indeed you did. Except that was an entirely different case. James Michael Tait was charged with having sex with a horse in Tennessee. Actually, several horses as it turns out.

Like Rodell, James also has a history with the ponies. In 2005, he was caught filming Kenneth Pinyan having sex with a horse. Unfortunately for Kenneth, the horse did not appreciate his lovemaking skills and kicked the crap out of him. He died later from internal injuries. Although police found over 100 bestiality videos in Tait’s home, there was no bestiality law in place at the time so he was charged with trespassing and fined $300.

(James thinking about how the other animal loving inmates are going to deal with him. Tossed salad, anyone?)

In both cases, it would appear that the men were “pitchers” rather than “catchers”. This was probably good thinking on their part. To their credit, they both must be hung like horses to be having sex with them. I have seen the documentaries where the doctor sticks his whole arm inside the horse. Obviously, these guys were too big to have sex with women so what were they supposed to do? Somewhere, John Holmes is nodding his head thinking, “I feel their pain”.

As for the horses, the only apparent injuries they sustained were infections. Still, they are no doubt humiliated and, for that reason, their identities have been concealed. However, thanks to my inside connections, I was able to get a photo of one of the horses that may have been involved.

It is rumored that Matthew Broderick is quite distressed over the entire incident.

The animal advocacy group PETA released the following statement after seeing Michelle Obama dressed in the costume below.

While we appreciate that Mrs. Obama was trying to go for the “cat woman” look with her Halloween costume, she has only opened the door for the continued slaughter of leopards. How many children will see the First Lady and decide that they too want such a costume? The likelihood of massive groups of children flying to Africa and killing leopards is terrifying.

Beyond this issue, the Cat Woman actually wore black leather. While PETA does not endorse the wearing of leather, we believe that Mrs. Obama should have at least made the effort to get it right.

The criticism of the Obama Halloween gathering at the White House did not stop there. The NAACP also released a scathing memo regarding the attire of President Obama.

We at the NAACP were deeply distressed to see Barack Obama dressed as a “black man” for Halloween. It appears he was wearing some sort of Bill Cosby costume and we found this to neither be humorous or accurate. For instance, Mr. Cosby always wears colorful sweaters. Mr. Obama’s failure to meet this basic criteria is deplorable. More disconcerting is the “blackface” that the President thought would be humorous to wear. (Or, in this case, “brownface”).

Although we understand that President Obama is allegedly “partially” black, his effort to portray a real modern day black man falls woefully short of the mark. Where are the gold chains or teeth? Where is the entourage of scantily clothed women? How come Kanye wasn’t invited to the event?

There are a litany of questions we will prepare and present to Mr. Obama once Al and Jesse are back from their vacation in Cabo. We will demand answers.

Lastly, there were several complaints from the children at the event. In keeping with his campaign to improve the health of US citizens, the President and First Lady handed out vegetables from their organic garden to the young trick or treater’s. Young Bubba Stump had this to say. “My daddy drove me all the way from Texas to get a carrot stick? Are you fu**ing kidding me?”

Overall, a tragic Halloween for the First Family. In a bit of good news, the Obama children were not at the event as they were attending a large party at the abandoned Bernie Madoff estate. Miley Cyrus provided entertainment while actor extraordinaire David Hasselhoff did drunken magic tricks. It is reported a good time was had by all.

Lou Dobbs called police to say that someone had shot at his house while his wife was standing outside. While I am sure Lou would be flattered if someone actually cared enough to shoot him, let alone his wife, my info is that the house was just trying to off itself. 

Since a house doesn’t have any arms, my sources tell me that a hit man was hired to do the dirty work. I imagine the shooter had a high power rifle because a house is pretty hard to take down with one shot. It would seem that as the gunman was ready to do his duty, Lou pulled up and flashed that shit eating grin of his with his super white teeth. The sniper was temporarily blinded, pulled the trigger, and the shot ricocheted off of a tree and bounced harmlessly off of the house. The home is said to be completely inconsolable at the moment. 

Of course, as I mentioned, Lou thinks someone was out to get him or his wife. He blames it on his position on illegal aliens and will no doubt specifically blame someone named Paco before it is all said and done. I would have leaned toward a disgruntled “birther” who feels that Lou just isn’t trying hard enough to make their absurd argument. 

Lou just doesn’t understand how someone could be so riled up that they would do such a thing. Hmm…it is quite the conundrum. A litany of “celebrity journalists” go on the air each day and try to provoke as much dissension as humanly possible to drive their ratings up. Could it be that some of the listeners that have the education and moral compass of an earthworm just might slip over the edge and pull the trigger? 

Not according to the local police department. They insist that it is hunting season and, since Lou lives in the middle of nowhere, a stray bullet hit his house. Hence the lack of impact. 

My God, how boring of a story would that be? I think, and I can’t prove this, that if the house didn’t do it, then it probably had something to do with illegal aliens, Obama, CNN bigwigs, Larry King, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Clinton. In fact, it was likely a conspiracy between all of them…or not. 

Lou – newsflash. No one cares about you. You can keep whitening those dentures until they are damned near translucent but still, no one will care. You are too late to get on the gravy train. Geraldo, O’Reilly, Beck, and even freaking Morton Downey Jr. beat you to the punch. You are just a grumpy old dude that has viewers because people that are too lazy to get up and change the channel after rubbing one off to the magnificent Betty Nguyen. Get over yourself you giant douche monkey. 

Mmmm….Betty Nguyen…I feel a party coming on!

You know how I ask you to indulge me every now and then? Well, this is one of those times. Stop your damned groaning and just deal with it. 

A person that I consider to be a good friend shared with me some of the pain she is currently going through. As I read her words, I realized that I could have written the exact same thing. It was really quite remarkable. Unfortunately, although I feel terrible for her, I am probably the least equipped person in the world to help someone else. So, I thought if I can’t help, at least I can share my own experience and maybe in some odd way, that will help. Kind of a “safety in numbers” thing. 

My most recent doctor told me I am severely depressed. Of course, I already knew this so it came as no surprise. I am a fully functionally but there is no joy in Mudville. Sleep is one of my best companions. My wife is an angel and endures the process which is imminently unfair to her. Still, when we married, this is what we both signed up for. She just happened to get the short end of the stick. 

Honestly, I would have preferred that the doctor had said “severely depressed” in a nicer way. It’s like telling an ugly person, “Jesus Christ! You make the Elephant Man look like a hot piece of ass”. Maybe there just isn’t a nice way to say. It reminds me of another doctor whispering into his tape machine some years ago, “white male, moderately obese”. Moderately obese? Are you fu**ing kidding me? I weighed like 210 at the time and I’m 6’1”. He might as well have said, “white male, kind of looks like John Candy”. Funny how certain words carry more weight than others. 

My newest doctor then went on to ask if I were suicidal and, if not, had I at least put together any kind of plan. I told him no on both counts. Is there a scenario where people say yes? “Well doc, I have been thinking about it and I am leaning towards the David Carradine method. You know, rub one off one more time and then be found in all of my glory”. I guess they have to ask but it seems a little surreal. 

I have been to a psychologist maybe 10 to 15 times in my life. I totally understand why people do it. Who doesn’t want to sit around and talk about nothing but themselves for an hour at a time? It is the ultimate narcissistic endeavor. Not to be demeaning, but these doctors are, in essence, prostitutes of the mind. That let you skull fu** them for 60 minutes. Does it work? Does getting a $25 hummer from Shaniqua downtown solve your problems at home? I don’t know. 

My friend told me about all of the methods she has pursued in achieving a better state of mind. It was an impressive list and I was awed by the amount of work she has put into making herself feel healed. It is a shame that her hard work has not paid off yet. My approach has been to ask for the newest pill. I am a child of the ‘70’s so chemistry is something I have a lot of confidence in. Big Pharma absolutely loves people like me and we are an ever growing army. I know very few people that don’t drug up in one fashion or another. 

I guess where all this leads to is a big honking group of unhappy people. When you ask why, none of us can ever really answer the question. It is an answer that is just always over the horizon and slightly out of reach. I suspect that many of us are consumed by aspiration and can’t quite accept that Nirvana is a cruel hoax. 

So why write about any of this? Because my friend hurts and I just want her to know that I hurt for her. I can’t say these words to her because I don’t have it in me. When I see her next, I am sure I will say something caustic and cynical. Maybe something like, “Heard any good suicide stories lately?” But somewhere deep inside, I will be pulling for her to find a place where she can be comfortable. I think she deserves it. I think we all do. 

Well, this was quite uncomfortable, wasn’t it? As always, thanks for playing along. TL

EDIT: My wife thinks maybe I put too much out there. You know what? Sometime you just have to throw your dick on the table and say, “look at it”. I felt this was one of those times. (I would not encourage you to do this at work or in mixed company).

2nd EDIT: I often wonder why people read this blog. After all, I spend the vast majority of my time alienating people and just generally trying to cause trouble. Now I know the answer.

You people are all crazy! And this makes me happy. Thank you.

As you know, I hate all politicians. However, I must give credit where credit is due. Governor Schwarzenegger was replying to some bill from the California State Legislature and wrote this: 

Sure, it probably took a ton of hours for Arnie’s staff to make this reasonably coherent. And, this no doubt cost the taxpayers of California a pretty penny. Still, it is funny as hell. This is the kind of behavior that just might instill confidence in our political leaders once more.

Tell me again why Arnold can’t be POTUS? And don’t use the citizen thing…Barry already broke that rule. 

Credit to Tim Redmond at the SFBG

A Paris court fined the church 900k for fraud. The court stated that the church pressured its members to give large amounts of money for questionable financial gain. The original complaint arose when a member of the church quit and wanted her money back. 

How funny is this? What makes it particularly amusing is that you can pretty much substitute any church denomination and get the same results. Sure, most call it “tithing” but, let’s face it, a spade is a spade. When you quit the Catholic church, do you get your money back? Didn’t think so. 

The judge stated that the church was “obsessed” with monetary gain and their practices were aimed at putting members into a “state of subjection”. Dude, maybe you should hop a bus to Italy and take a look at the Vatican. Now that’s a group that is obsessed with monetary gain. As for the “state of subjection” charge, what church would pass that litmus test? 

Don’t get me wrong, Scientology seems to be full blown crazy. But, from my point of view, so is every other established religion I can think of. I realize no one really gives a crap about the French because that country has gone to hell in a hand basket. Still, the precedent has been set. Wait until the Jews line up outside of their Synagogue asking for a refund. Rabbi Rabinowitz is not going to be a happy camper. 

I hope when L Ron Hubbard comes back from the big rocket ship in the sky, he points his photon torpedos at the French first. Granted, the odds are pretty slim that L Ron will be showing up anywhere ever but, you have to admit, it would be pretty damned funny. Tom Cruise could be the new king and any guy over 5’ 5” would have to have his legs shortened so Tom would tower over them. The women can be tall because Tom is cool with that. 

(Tom says, “The power of Tannerleah compels you! The power of Tannerleah compels you!)

A word of advice to all of my religious friends out there. Stop giving money to your respective churches immediately. You are putting them in danger of being charged with fraud and you wouldn’t want to be the reason that TD Jakes or Joel Osteen gets put in the slammer, would you? 

Instead, send your money directly to me. I personally think 10% is kind of low but do what your heart tells you to do. I will then “reallocate” the money to the various organizations without their solicitation. Kind of like how the US Treasury operates. Your churches will still be funded, minus an administration fee, and no one can be accused of fraud or intimidation. I know…you are thinking, “You are the awsomest TL”. I do it because I care. Now stop reading and start filling up my PayPal account. Do it for the children.