I was finally able to meet my dream woman yesterday, in person. I won’t lie, I was a little nervous to be meeting a true icon face to face. However, soon after meeting Sarah, I was immediately put at ease and relaxed. Here is the transcript of our conversation.
SP: Hi there? How ya doin’?
TL: Good. Did you really call Trigger a retard?
SP: (Looking slightly bewildered) Of course not. Levi is just making those things up.
TL: Oh…ok. In the Newsweek photo where you have running shorts on, you seem to be wearing panty hose. What’s that all about?
SP: (Still looking perplexed) Well, it was more of a glamour shot than an actual, ya know, reality photo.
TL: Who is keeping an eye on Russia while you are on your tour?
SP: (Grits her teeth a little) That’s kind of an old joke. Who do you want the book made out to?
TL: When you and Todd get it on, do you wear your stiletto’s? Specifically, the red shiny ones?
SP: (Little beads of sweat forming on her brow) That is really not an appropriate question. (Looking around for security).
TL: I’m sorry. It’s just that they look so good on you I figured you probably wore them in the sack. Does Todd go backdoor on you?
SP: (Turning a pretty shade of crimson) You, sir, are being rude and belligerent. Please move along before I have you removed.
TL: When you have a baby at your age, I bet your lady parts don’t bounce back into shape very quickly. That’s why I asked about the back door. Do you spit or swallow?
SP: (Stands up looking kind of pissed off) Security! Remove this man immediately!
TL: Have you ever done a Rainbow Kiss or Dirty Sanchez? Did McCain ever whip his thingy out in front of you?
At this point, two security guys start dragging me away.
TL: Wait! Sarah, you didn’t sign my book yet!
SP: (Hands my book, unsigned, to another security guy).
TL: Just so you know, I rubbed one off in the men’s room and smeared my man goop all over the book you just touched! You are holding my seed!
SP: (Looks down at her hands and starts to gag. Looks feverishly for a container to throw up in).
TL: Seriously! I rubbed like a quart of love juice on that bad boy!
SP: (Violently projectile vomits all over the table and on the shoes of the next person in line. Looks kind of like she might pass out).
TL: I love you!!! Todd is a douche monkey!
And that was it. I was pushed out of the back door of the store and told that if I come anywhere near Sarah again, I will be arrested.
Ok, so maybe our first date didn’t go exactly as planned. Still, I think you can tell from the conversation, we connected on a very intimate level. I am off now to the next book signing. I know Sarah will be thrilled to see me again. You betcha!!!
Here’s a pic of the crowd. Good people.
November 20, 2009 at 1:14 pm |
You’re a good American, TL.
November 21, 2009 at 8:27 pm |
Thank you, Ben. No sacrifice is too great for me.
November 20, 2009 at 2:59 pm |
At least you took the time to go see her and add to the crowds. One of the thousands to bear witness to her popularity. Or at the very least you add to the online chatter of Palin furthering her already enormous popularity. You apparently bought a book. Cool!
November 21, 2009 at 8:28 pm |
Thanks p-skip. I was hoping she would have a wardrobe malfunction but it never happened. Sarah does seem to get people talking.
November 20, 2009 at 3:58 pm |
I’m so sorry that you didn’t get your book signed. Were you lucky enough to get some of her vomit? That would make a great keepsake; maybe stored in a miniature vial to wear around your neck!
November 21, 2009 at 8:29 pm |
No. The security would not let me get close. Instead, I went into the ladies room and licked the toilet seat. Not sure how I can sell that experience on Ebay.
November 20, 2009 at 6:06 pm |
TL, did the gagging noise sound like it was coming from the the back of her oral cavity or closer to the pharynx?
Maybe you just misread her body language…
November 21, 2009 at 8:30 pm |
That’s a good question, bschooled. It was kind of like the noise I make when I Carradine myself.
November 20, 2009 at 7:05 pm |
tannerleah, i think you should be proud. your conversation with her was more substantial and intelligent than any she’s had on faux news.
November 21, 2009 at 8:31 pm |
Thank you. I bought my journalism degree on-line so I feel well qualified to ask the hard hitting questions.
November 20, 2009 at 8:29 pm |
A quart?!?! wow – you’ve got plenty to spare if Mrs Tannerleah ever gets sick of it….
November 21, 2009 at 8:32 pm |
I may have overstated the amount. Let’s call it a pint instead.
November 20, 2009 at 8:30 pm |
That was very sweet. You made her blush. And she was so nervously in love she puked. That’s a good sign.
She didn’t even puke for Oprah!!!!
November 21, 2009 at 8:33 pm |
It was awesome. It smelled like chocolate chips, sunshine, and rainbows. (Although it was kind of an unpleasant color).
November 20, 2009 at 10:34 pm |
I think I have regained my composure after sitting momentarily stunned at the keyboard. Stunned, not at the Palin exchange, but stunned at the urban dictionary definitions for both “Rainbow Kiss” and “Dirty Sanchez.” Hey-seuss Christo, I just ate!! Not sure what the term is for “puke eaters”, but I’m sure there is one. And why is it called a Dirty Sanchez instead of a Dirty Dershowitz or Dirty Doherty or more appropriately, a Dirty Dubois? (Apologies to any French readers).
November 21, 2009 at 8:35 pm |
I am not sure. Maybe because it started in Mexico? They have all of the best non-traditional sex moves down there. Keep in mind, they usually have sex with donkeys so they need to be creative.
November 20, 2009 at 11:16 pm |
Great stuff, TL. Horrifying in spots but funny as hell. I especially like the reasoning behind the “backdoor” question. Sometimes you’ve got to hedge your bets, so to speak.
I’m kind of surprised you didn’t just slap your thing in between the pages like a cock-shaped bookmark and ask her to sign somewhere down the middle.
If you had done that, I might have gotten the answer as to whether her lips move when she writes.
As for Elizabeth’s question: they call it a Dirty Sanchez because Lou Dobbs originated the phrase. “Dirty Doherty” involves something dirtier: having your girlfriend snort a little coke on film and sell the pictures to the tabloids.
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-20367317-kate-caught-snorting-coke.do
November 20, 2009 at 11:25 pm |
Hahaha!!! Loved the Dobbs reference! I forgot about that Doherty…G-d, I love British tabloids!
November 21, 2009 at 8:37 pm |
I couldn’t slap my love gun down because it was pointing straight up from the moment I saw her. In fact, security almost wouldn’t let me in because it looked like I had a Louisville Slugger packed into my pants.
November 21, 2009 at 9:11 am |
That woman hasn’t a brain in her head. She goes through with an interview from a fake Sarkosy who makes inappropriate statements, but calls security and won’t sign a book for an avid fan. Geez….
November 21, 2009 at 8:38 pm |
My feelings exactly. It is people like me that have made her who she is. You know, lunatics and such.
November 21, 2009 at 5:55 pm |
That went well TL, you might want to try a more nuanced approach next time…I mean, you are stalking her, right?
November 21, 2009 at 8:39 pm |
I prefer to use the term “following at a legally allowable distance”.
November 21, 2009 at 7:24 pm |
Could not fall asleep properly last night, due to intrusive thoughts and visuals of schlong bookmarks, Rainbow Kisses and Dirty Sanchezes…don’t think I have ever been so grossed out.
November 21, 2009 at 8:41 pm |
Really? I would have thought that your Golden Shower phase would have toughened you up a bit.
November 21, 2009 at 9:29 pm |
Ill have you know that was ONE time and with a Frenchman.
November 21, 2009 at 11:25 pm |
That “…with a Frenchman” addition seems extraneous.
November 22, 2009 at 1:59 am
Au contraire!! Without the Frenchman there would have been no golden showers (and this was no ordinary Frenchman, but a Parisian Frenchman). Of course, I’m a little French myself so I’ll leave you hanging as to who did the actual showering.
November 22, 2009 at 11:31 am |
But did you get your book back?
November 24, 2009 at 8:13 am |
Negative. The thin security guard that was impeccably dressed smiled a bit and tucked it under his arm.