This whole “world ending” thing is really starting to get on my nerves. Every time I have a plan to maximize my remaining days on earth, someone changes the date.
The last time I fell for it was the year 2000. That was the year that computers were going to turn into zombies and kill everyone. Obviously, except in Nova Scotia (Wiki it), this never happened. Listening to Prince sing about 1999 really had me convinced. I should have never listened to that midget.
This time, I was counting on the Mayans to tell me the truth. They insisted that on 12/21/2012, the world as we know it would end. I don’t know much about the Mayans but they seem plenty mystical and as likely to know about this stuff as anyone. Now, when push comes to shove, they are saying they were misunderstood. That’s what I get for believing an Indian. I bet the Indian that cried every time I littered as a kid was faking it.
And where is Jesus when you need him? Why won’t he just tell us when it is all going to end? He could whisper it to Jimmy Swaggart or Pat Robertson. Everyone believes those guys. (Just don’t pick Joel Osteen. He wears hair gel and his wife seems mean).
By the way, if you are unfamiliar with The End, let me explain. As you know, I know my Bible and when the end comes, this will be known as The Rapture. This is when chicks with large hooters, Mimi Rogers played this part in the movie, will start making out with guys all over the place. Even the ugly guys are going to get some. (I don’t know what the small breasted women will be doing to occupy their time while this is happening).
(Note to Tom Cruise: You are supposed to trade UP when you divorce).
Then, after you sleep with these girls, you will get Left Behind. This is the part where the world kind of ends but not really. You can still go bowling and stuff but I think Jesus is watching you all of the time. (So don’t steal or watch porno with the lights on). If he deems you worthy, then you get un-Left Behind. I think Kirk Cameron picks you up in a stretch limo but that might just be a rumor.
Back to my original point. Can someone please tell me when the end is coming? I know it is soon because all of my religious peeps keep telling me so. Something about Israel and Palestine being brought together by the Anti-Christ (Kanye West), and living in peace. All I am asking for is a date. If you know, and I know you do Art, please tell me. Thank you. TL
October 12, 2009 at 3:28 pm |
Weren’t the Mayans from Canada? God I hate those guys.
I wonder what Jesus and Kirk Cameron are going to make me do, once they find out I have nipples like a girl?
BTW– I cant believe Mimi Rogers’ agent hasn’t hooked her up with Toll House to endorse their cookies? I mean come on….talk about working on a man’s subconsciousness!
October 13, 2009 at 9:23 am |
Mmmm…cookies and Mimi…mmmmm
October 12, 2009 at 4:20 pm |
One of my friends is half Mayan (Dad’s side).
She said that the whole thing is just a bunch BS…they were just trying to create a buzz because they have a new “tell-all” book coming out soon.
Since they don’t speak English, Madonna’s brother wrote it.
October 13, 2009 at 9:24 am |
One of your “friends”? We will not judge you bschooled…even if you are a stinkin’, lyin’, Mayan.
(See how I did a little rhyme there? I learned that at Pamela’s site).
October 13, 2009 at 11:21 am |
I noticed the rhyme right away, TL…loved it! (I heard you also dabble in the occassional sonnet about jiffy pop lids and ground beef)
You are a talented man, Mr. Mister…
(you too, TL)
October 12, 2009 at 4:34 pm |
Nobody knows the time or the day…Jesus tells us it will come “like a thief in the night”. I can tell you much prophecy has already come true that needs to before the end can come–the next big thing I see coming will be a one world currency. One thing we know for sure is the temple has to be re-built before Jesus can return. When I was in Israel they showed us reproductions of things that will go in the temple when it is re-built, however, I can’t imagine that happening anytime soon since it is occupied by the Arabs. Continue to live large until the jews get the building permits.
October 13, 2009 at 2:47 am |
when i was little and went to church we used to sing a song like that “he’s coming back like a thief and the night, children get your hearts right…” i kept thinking hey i’m under 12..so i’m good…
so glad i switched to Judaism…
October 13, 2009 at 9:32 am |
Who were you worshipping? Freddy Kreuger?
Jews are so yesterday. Cults are where it is at today.
October 13, 2009 at 9:28 am |
What kind of stuff goes inside a Jesus temple? You mean like a washer and dryer or something? The bar must be set pretty high considering how much the Vatican is worth. The new building will need to be twice as nice.
Frankly, I just don’t see the Jews ponying up that kind of cash.
October 13, 2009 at 8:29 pm |
stop playah hating on the Jews TL!
October 12, 2009 at 5:38 pm |
I don’t know when it’s coming either but if you find out, please let me know ASAP, please. I am quickly running out of money and would like to see the end of the world holding a bottle of Jack in one hand, a Big Mac in the other, sucking on an unfiltered Camel… while riding my boyfriend like a cowgirl..
Or riding on an unfiltered Camel and ….oh, never mind.
October 13, 2009 at 9:33 am |
trishatruly – I know we just met but I am confused. How can you be running out of money when you have a boyfriend? Just make him pay for the sex…you know, as if you were married.
October 12, 2009 at 7:43 pm |
Will G-d give us some kind of foreclosure notice when the jig is up? Will he send agents first to offer a refi or ‘life modification’ option? MUST I go through his middleman (Hay-Seuss) to renegotiate? What if I have ‘had enough’ (chronic illness and kid fatigue) and want to do a short sale? Can I even claim moral bankruptcy as a legitimate reason to default (will that even fly celestially speaking)? Will I be allowed to hold an auction and give the highest bidders rights to my good deeds to augment their own so they will at least have a chance? Do my atheistic beliefs cancel out any equity I have built up in my earlier years (after all, I was a believer once before I learned to THINK for myself). Will Beelzebub personally come to evict me? Will he laugh derisively when I tell him to “go to hell” and slam the door in his face? Will I go to ‘Jew Purgatory’ (where the bagels have no holes and everyone reeks of gefilte fish) instead of hell since I was caught up in the sub-prime intellectual enlightenment (scientific inquiry and skepticism) of our day and simply didn’t know any better? Yes, I’m ‘under water’ but I sure would like some extra time to allow the market to recover. I sure as hell hope it’s LONG after 2012. I have a lotta living left to do.
October 13, 2009 at 9:35 am |
I thought you were Jewish again. You need to stick with a plan.
October 12, 2009 at 9:14 pm |
Addendum: I would like to take on a special project and am soliciting ideas from your regular (or occasional) contributors, TL. I notice the phrase “called home to be with his/her Heavenly Father” or “the Sheppard has called another member of His flock home” in the opening text in many obituaries. I am asking for suggestions from readers for the flip-side of “Heavenly Father” or even “called home.” I will use one of the suggestions and craft a letter to the obituary department at the Las Vegas Review-Journal. I will ask them if I can use this phrase in my personal obituary. I will then copy/paste their answer for your readers. If they decline, I will submit this question to my local chapter of the ACLU and inquire whether this denial infringes on the first amendment. Should I be allowed to inject a little humor in an otherwise somber occasion? What say you?
October 13, 2009 at 9:37 am |
You were called home to the great NeimanMarcus in the sky?
October 14, 2009 at 11:14 pm |
I am definitely going to use that and have written the Review-Journal (as promised) to ask if that opening line would be acceptable. I will keep you apprised.
November 2, 2009 at 5:54 pm |
Finally received a response from the obits department at the Las Vegas Review Journal: “Sure. We can print anything as long it is not illegal or immoral.” Thanks, TL! Now, if I can figure out what the rest of it will say…
November 2, 2009 at 6:10 pm
You have plenty of years to figure it out.
October 12, 2009 at 9:41 pm |
you mean, the world isn’t going to end in 2012?!
dammit, i knew i should have bought that extended warranty on the new washer/dryer!
October 13, 2009 at 9:38 am |
You have a new washer/dryer? Who does a girl have to blow to make that happen?
October 13, 2009 at 1:08 am |
I’m with Nonnie on this one. I had everything planned out so I’d spend all of my money and check everything off of my bucket list before then. Now what will I do for the rest of my life after 2012?
October 13, 2009 at 9:38 am |
Write more books, of course!
October 13, 2009 at 2:44 am |
look, i wasn’t going to say this, but since i am kinda Myan, i guess i will tell you that the world isn’t going to end. we just started that rumor so that people would remember us..you know..like hey..remember us..we have the mysterious city of gold, and we know shit..what i will say is that Obama is the new messiah, so if you have any other questions i’d send him a text message on his black berry..if you send me a personal message i’ll send you his number cus me being kinda black him and i have lots of things in common, and we discuss them via text message, don’t want the wife to be knowing he’s talking to his love child and all…
i mean if you want the world to end just lemme know and i’ll see what i can arrange, because i’ve got people…
October 13, 2009 at 9:42 am |
You’re kinda a little bit of everything…I like that. (Unless you are part midget or Eskimo. Then I would have a problem).
Can you ask Obama if the black part of him impairs his ability swim in the same way it hinders his bowling? Thank you.
October 13, 2009 at 6:09 am |
TL, it’s high time you visited this site:
http://www.postrapturepost.com/
A service offered by someone who obviously has inside info. Imagine my surprise when I learned they didn’t have postage stamp kiosks in heaven?
October 13, 2009 at 9:42 am |
That cracked me up. I almost fell right into it.
October 13, 2009 at 11:12 am |
Listen… I dont give a damn if the world ends! I’m so tired of this shit. But, God is Brazilian and he will wait until the world cup and the olympics are finished. So, I would say my friend, dont make plans for final chaos before 2016.
October 13, 2009 at 12:18 pm |
God is Brazilian? Do you mean like part Brazilian like Obama is part black and part American?
October 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm |
Not part. 100% Brazilian, just like Barry is 100% white.
October 13, 2009 at 2:14 pm |
This might not give you an exact date, but it does get pretty specific….
October 13, 2009 at 3:00 pm |
GREAT video…thanks for sharing!!
October 14, 2009 at 7:23 am |
So, if we Australia first, I think the end of the world can be avoided.
October 13, 2009 at 5:34 pm |
I think there is actually some science involved in figuring out the end of the Earth, then again a huge meteor really could just hit us at any point. So why plan anything? Just have fun while the Earth is still spinning.
October 14, 2009 at 7:25 am |
“So why plan anything?” Do I even know you? I obviously didn’t teach you the value of being OCD.
October 14, 2009 at 11:27 am |
You know I make plans, but I’m not about to make plans for the end of the world. The way I see it, I’ll be dead before the world explodes hopefully. OCD, that’s just not me :]
October 13, 2009 at 6:34 pm |
The ACLU has much bigger things to worry about, you know, like taking all the crosses out of Arlington National Cemetery…those are soooooooo offensive.
P.S. I’m not getting the Mimi Rogers thing either.
October 14, 2009 at 7:30 am |
Is that debate still going on? You will be happy to know that I am on your side on that one. Just let me know if there is going to be a parade or something to protest.
The Rapture is a movie from 1991 that portrays Mimi Rogers as a drugged out slut turned reborn Christian. It just so happens that her rebirth coincides with the end of the earth. It is fairly strange.
October 13, 2009 at 11:08 pm |
I belive the Bible has this to say about it:
Revelations 22-THE END
22:1 He showed me a river of water of life, clear as crystal Pepsi, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb,
22:2 in the middle of its street, home to Madness (but not Bedlam – that phrase is copyrighted). On this side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruits, 25 kinds of vegetables, and several fine shoulder cuts. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations, being all aloe vera and shit.
22:3 There will be no curse any more. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants serve him, all piling into the throne like so many clowns into a VW.
22:4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads (THIS END UP).
22:5 There will be no night, and they need no lamp light; for the Lord God will illuminate them, with a very powerful form of radiation, which the idiots will call “The Light of the Lord,” and which will not be safely recyclable. They will reign forever and ever, weather permitting.
22:6 He said to me, “These words are faithful and true. The Lord God of the spirits of the prophets sent his angel to show to his bond, James, bondservants the things which must happen soon, which is a very relative measure and not at all quantifiable. Like a handswidth. Or a cubit. ”
22:7 “Behold, I come quickly, He warned the ladies, retrospectively considering that “Beware” may have been a better choice of word. Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book, which will be tough, because the hole punch is on the fritz.”
22:8 Now I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. When I heard and saw, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel who had shown me these things, so I really didn’t have the best vantage point for seeing, per se, but trust me on this.
22:9 He said to me, “See you don’t do it! I am a fellow bond, James, bondservant with you and with your brothers, the prophets, and with those who keep the words of this book/Trapper Keeper. Worship God. Duh.”
22:10 He said to me, “Don’t seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is at hand, and as I mentioned before, the hole punch is failing at the only thing it’s supposed to do.
22:11 He who acts unjustly, let him act unjustly still. He who is filthy, let him be filthy still. He who is righteous, let him do righteousness still. He who is holy, let him be holy still. Or whatever. We’re not here to judge. We’ll leave that for the Baptists.”
22:12 “Behold, I come quickly, He warned again, only fainter as He was about ready to come. My reward is with me, to repay to each man according to his work, except for Judas, that cheap-skating bastard. He sell his own mother if she was on fire… or something.
22:13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, the Entrance and the Exit, the Up and the Down, the Parking Light and the Highbeams.
22:14 Blessed are those who do his commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter in by the gates into the city, because they’re gates. They’ll be clearly marked “Entrance.”
22:15 Outside are the dogs, the sorcerers, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. You know, we may just hang out here for awhile. Everything on the inside is sort of like early morning cheerfulness, only 24-7.
22:16 I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify these things to you for the assemblies. I am the root and the offspring of David; the Bright and Morning Star. See other nicknames above. You can also call me J-Dog.”
22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” He who hears, let him say, “Come!” He who is thirsty, let him come. And He will reply, “I already did. Sorry. I was hoping we wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. Screw it. You want a beer? Or three?
22:18 I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book, if anyone adds to them, may God add to him the plagues which are written in this book. I’m serious about this. Don’t do anything more than add your own impressions, beliefs, outdated behaviors and hatred towards women. Other than that, try to at least keep the gist of it. God & stuff.
22:19 If anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, may God take away his part from the tree of life, and out of the holy city, which are written in this book, which is now blowing away in the wind. Stupid &$%$# hole punch.
22:20 He who testifies these things says, “Yes, I come quickly.” Amen! Yes, come, Lord Jesus. (Thanks for bringing that up. Again. Why don’t you just put it on a t-shirt or something.)
22:21 The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all the saints. Amen. BTW – 2012: you may want to carry an umbrella or something that year.
October 14, 2009 at 7:35 am |
A couple of things. First, if you are not just copying and pasting this from another source, you may be the single greatest person on the earth…besides me.
Also, your direct mocking of religion makes me feel better about Jesus giving me a second chance. When he tells me how much disdain I have displayed towards him and his flock, I am sending him straight your way. If he’s grading on the curve, I am easily in.
Excellent work, as always.
October 14, 2009 at 9:31 pm |
Thanks for the compliments, TL. I did have to copy and paste the last chapter of the Bible into Wordpad before I could add all the stuff that makes it worth reading.
And besides you? That goes without saying.
October 14, 2009 at 2:14 am |
B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T again Capitalist!! By the time I got to “J-Dog (or J-Dawg as I would spell it) I was crying a river of tears. These weren’t any tears, but rather pious tears and the rivers were not just any rivers, but Biblical rivers: the Pishon, Gihon, Tigris, and Euphrates. So there you have it, water coming out both ends: lachrymal laughter as I Pishon’d my pants laughing so hard. You would make Bill Maher proud. I think you could find a second life in comedy CLT.
October 14, 2009 at 7:36 am |
Do you remember when you used to say these things about me? You are kind of hurting my feelings. Well, if I had feelings, you would really be hurting them.
Also, might be time to buy a case of Depends.
October 14, 2009 at 10:56 pm |
TL, you had my fair share of adulation growing up. I still remember falling to the floor in paroxysms of laughter in response to your jokes and antics while living in Sarasota. Either you were funnier then or I have grow used to your humor (I strongly suspect it is the latter and along the lines of how my children regularly fail to appreciate my hilarity). Now stop raining on CLT’s parade.
October 14, 2009 at 9:33 pm |
Thanks, elizabeth.
Glad you enjoyed it. Don’t get me started about religion. It starts to chew up valuable monitor real estate.
I believe it IS spelled “dawg” in the NIV, but as we all know, it’s hardly worth reading. King James or nothing for us Bible snobs. Big props to Lebron. He has it down cold, Biblically speaking.
October 14, 2009 at 1:22 pm |
So, you’re saying I shouldn’t make out with Mimi Rodgers??? That seems a little unfair. Although, she’s probalby fat by now. One of the most talented Actresses of our time, and that’s a fact.
October 14, 2009 at 5:31 pm |
Not at all…I encourage you to make out with her, take pictures, and post them online. Just try not to think about the fact that Tom has already been there.
October 14, 2009 at 2:20 pm |
Did anyone catch Bill O’Reilly hammering the athiest? Triple loved it.
October 14, 2009 at 5:42 pm |
I did see it and thought that both held up their points of view quite well. If it was an easy answer, people wouldn’t be so divided over it.
The advantage science has is that it is not emotional. There is no validation needed. The earth is either flat or it is not…doesn’t really matter from a scientific point of view. Most religious people can now see that the Spanish Inquisition was an atrocity fueled by religion. Science will not ever betray you because it has no dog in the fight.
I know this. Without religion this world would be an awful boring place.
October 14, 2009 at 7:38 pm |
the athiest still had NOTHING. And Bill easily won…he’s my sarah palin. madly in love with the man!
October 14, 2009 at 7:55 pm |
Art, had you been adopted out at birth to a couple in, let’s say Berkeley, who were both college professors, environmental activists, organic eating, smoothie swilling INTELLECTUALS, your views on religion would be vastly different (just as if their baby had been adopted into a family somewhere in the Midwest, with lots of white steeples, a fairly homogenous population and to devout parents). O’Reilly was the odd-man-out at Harvard with his religious ideology. It’s a good thing they’re a bunch of ’sissies’, otherwise, he may have had the crap beaten out of him.
October 14, 2009 at 8:06 pm |
That scenario just made me vomit in my mouth a little. There are just as many brilliant people that believe in a higher power. I will say however I’m guilty of idoloatry when it comes to Bill O’Reilly. Speaking of that, gotta run, Factor time.
BTW, athiests, muslims and people of all faiths are still coming to Jesus, regardless of how they were raised. The truth is the truth…like Jesus said: “Those who have ears, let them hear”
October 14, 2009 at 11:05 pm |
As the Brits would say: “bollocks.”
October 15, 2009 at 7:17 am |
Except for the beard, it would be really hard to tell Jesus from O’Reilly. They both are so similar in their beliefs, contributions, and demeanor. No wonder you love the guy.
October 15, 2009 at 7:55 am |
And as O’Reilly would say, “Pinhead”
October 15, 2009 at 4:24 pm |
Can you see his lips move when you speak?
October 17, 2009 at 3:12 pm |
For shocks galore ahead of Halloween, visit Google or Yahoo and type in “The Newest Pretrib Calendar,” “America’s Pretrib Rapture Traffickers,” and “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty.”
October 20, 2009 at 10:32 am |
Crap. I read that stuff and forgot entirely about the Gog and Magog battle. That is going to be a thriller. I hope it’s on pay-per-view.