Is The Pregnant Man’s 15 Minutes Up Yet?

November 18, 2008

We get it. You want to be a man but, since you are actually a woman, you can still have a baby. Why is this so fascinating? What woman can’t get testosterone shots and grow facial hair and still have an in tact uterus? Hell, I know a lot of women that don’t even need shots to get some nice sideburns going. Is it because she had her boobs removed? Again, many women don’t have much boobage in the first place.

Maybe the fact that he/she married a woman makes it interesting. Of course, in reality, it was a woman marrying a woman. Why don’t the gays just get married this way? Draw a beard on one of the women or put boobs on one of the guys and get it done. Seems to be fairly straightforward.

So, since I am only adding to the problem, let me ask some questions. Is her/his wife a lesbian since she is doing it with another woman…albeit a stubbly faced one? Is she/he a transvestite because she/he dresses like a man? Since her/his clitoris has apparently blown up like a balloon due to the testosterone, is she/he now some sort of hermaphrodite?

OK. Honestly, all of those questions were rhetorical because I don’t really care. But I can tell you who does care, Larry King. Here is part of his scintillating interview with the she/he couple:

Thomas: Because of hormones, my — my clitoris has enlarged and it looks like a penis. I can have intercourse with my wife.

King: That’s fascinating to me. I didn’t know that. So you have a clitoris that looks likes a penis so it can fit into having love relations?

Thomas: Basically.

Now there is some serious journalism. Larry King is fascinated by her clitoris. Wow, you don’t see that on the news very often. I hope that the happy couple has a bunch more kids if they want to. Please, just don’t tell us about it…unless you have pictures of the super, giant clitoris. That might be worth looking at. Thank you.

5 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah

Dear Lunatics: Obama Is Not The Anti-Christ

November 18, 2008

Nor is Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, George Bush, Dick Cheney or just about any other polarizing politician or celebrity you can think of. How do I know? Because there is no anti-Christ. Just as there is no “end times”, “river of blood” or any other silly superstitious event that man has concocted.

What is truly remarkable is that people that I consider otherwise sane and competent, actually believe all of this. How can you be a rational, functioning member of society and believe in beasts with 10 horns rising from the ocean? Seriously? You can honestly have a conversation about this without bursting into laughter? (Or at least giggling a little?) 

It reminds me of a story my mom told me about when she was a little girl. Someone looked outside and noticed that the moon was “blood red”. This, the family was convinced, was a sure signal of the end times. So, the lunatics all marched outside into a corn field and prayed for HOURS! Naturally, not a damned thing happened and they all went happily about their day. What is remarkable is that this experience had absolutely no impact on their belief system. They just assumed they had misread the signs.

I understand that when people thought the world was flat or there was no way to utilize science, that superstition ruled the world. Those days have passed. The ONLY reason you would still believe in this is because a) your were “assimilated” by your family and community as a child and never broke through those bonds or b) you want to believe that there is someone or something out there that is in control of your life. Non believers call it “fate” or “karma”. The truth is, all of these are merely man made superstitions.

And trust me, I get it. I lost a loved one recently and I hope that she is in a beautiful place and looking down on her family and protecting us. For all I know, maybe she is. But I also know that Jennifer Love Hewitt (or “Big Boobs”, as my wife fondly refers to her) is not going to strike up a conversation with her anytime soon.

So, dearest nut jobs, put away your crucifix’s and Ouija boards. YOU are in charge of your destiny and what YOU do will determine your fate. Stop buying books like ”The Secret”, “Left Behind” and listening to Oprah. All you are doing is making other people wealthy. That’s their secret…getting lemmings to part with their cash. 

I know I have no doubt offended many of you but I just can’t stand anymore of this superstitious gibberish. Feel comforted that if I am wrong I will burn in an eternal hell and you will get to say, “I told you so”. On the other hand, don’t be too disappointed if you end up as worm food some day.

By the way, I will be releasing a new book soon called, “I Spoke To Jesus”. In it, I will decipher all of the secret messages and clues that are mentioned in the Bible. This should help solve all of the confusion out there. I spoke to Jesus personally one night when I was loaded up on peyote, percocets and Jack Daniels and Coke. It was a great conversation and for a mere $29.99, I will be happy to share it with you. Amen, brothers and sisters.

27 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah

“Twilight” – When Did Satan Worship Become OK?

November 18, 2008

The movie “Twilight” opens this weekend across the country and is expected to do huge business. I don’t know much about the movie but I understand it is based on a series of books written by Stephenie Meyer (who obviously thinks it’s “cool” to spell her first name incorrectly). Anyway, the books and movie appear to be aimed primarily at teenage girls.

So what is the problem? All of the above entertainment is based on the story of a vampire. That’s right, our children will be off in record numbers this weekend to watch a movie about the Sons of Satan! Where are the protests? Where is the outrage from national and local community organizers and the good church folk of this country? Why is there nary a whisper about this obvious attempt to brainwash our children to follow and embrace a dark world where people drink blood and have promiscuous sex?

When Harry Potter came out, the books were banned and there were protests everywhere. Rightfully so! Wizards and sorcerers are also disciples of Satan and can seriously screw up our kids heads. However, vampires are a significantly worse force since they are 100% evil and actually have the blood of “The Dark One” coursing through their veins. Plus, they are much more sexually active than Harry Potter ever was. (He still hasn’t got some from Hermione).

Parents, wake up! Would you let your teenagers smoke the crack pipe at home or participate in group sex on the living room couch? I didn’t think so. You must step up at this time of crisis and save your young ones from the sinister clutches of Satan. If your kids have already read the books, it may be too late. I believe your best bet, at this point, would be to schedule an exorcism as soon as possible. At the very least, hold their head under water until bubbles stop coming up. (That’s the old school method).

However, if they do see this movie, there will be no turning back. My “inside” sources tell me that the movie industry (headed up by Satanic Jews) has put invisible vampire blood on each ticket stub. As soon as your love one touches the stub, they will be in a trance. Then, after they watch the movie, they will be fully transformed into a Satanic Army. The new title of this group will be Knights In Satan’s Service…or KISS.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned. And churches of America, shame on you for being silent on this one. Your apathy is going to lead directly to an era of vampire worship. Wow, and you thought the gays were bad. Just wait until you see what the vampires are like. Jesus help us all.

83 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah