November 30, 2008
Melody LaLuz, 28, and Claudaniel Fabien, 30, are finally married after two years of courting. What makes this story different from any other is that the two lovebirds never so much as kissed during the two years. Both Melody and Claudaniel teach abstinence classes in the Chicago public school system and thought this would be a good example for their kids.
Obviously, I have all kinds of problems with this. My first thought is that these two measure “kissing” like Bill Clinton measures “sexual relations”…cigar and all. Sure, Melody may have provided oral sex or let Claudaniel “knock on the back door” but they never kissed. Hookers don’t kiss either but I don’t think that makes them pure as the driven snow.
Plus, this is what they consider to be realistic abstinence? When did a kiss become a sexual act? If that’s the case, I have been banging female members of my family for years. (Sorry, Grandma. I can only hope is was good for you, too). This photo shows Melody giving her husband to be a kiss on the cheek. How very generous of her.
Claude told the local newspaper he showed his love in other ways. For instance, like cleaning her car or washing the dishes. Dude, if you have to do that much work for a kiss, you are going to have to build her a house just to get a reach a round. (And even then she will probably stop early). Everything he wants for the rest of his life will come with a steep price tag.
And what if after all of this slavery, Claudaniel finds out he is not getting the goods he thought he was getting? Maybe she stuffs her bra or has a secret colostomy bag? What if, God forbid, he reaches down “there” the first time and grabs hold of something that feels incredibly like a sausage? That would be 2 prime years of manhood completely wasted. (Unless of course he swings that way then, no harm, no foul).
Where were these kind of virtuous teachers when I grew up? Unfortunately, the only person I know that thinks like this is the mother from the movie Carrie. “Hide your dirty pillows!” She probably would have made a hell of a teacher…except for the whole “burning down the gym” thing.
In any case, I wish the happy couple well. Unless of course they are completely lying to everyone. For all we know, Claudaniel has given Melody several concussions from banging her head into the headboard. Or, he is the father of 6 other kids in the last two years. Although he says he didn’t kiss her, I didn’t read anything about him not kissing anyone. Eh, I will give them the benefit of the doubt.
All I know is that since this happened in Chicago, somehow Obama is to blame. Damned liberal.
13 Comments | 
Uncategorized | Tagged: abstinence, Bahamas honeymoon, bill clinton, bride and groom have never kissed, Carrie, Claudaniel Fabien, dirty pillows, Elmwood Park, first kiss, Humor, Melody LaLuz, news, Obama, sexual relations, teach abstinence courses | 
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Posted by tannerleah
November 29, 2008
Police in Uganda have reported a gang of robbers have been using women to lure men into a dangerous trap. Instead of using the common route of mixing drugs into a drink, the women are now covering their breasts with chloroform. The men, unable to resist the urge to snuggle their big heads into a woman’s bosom, are quickly knocked out, dragged away, and stripped completely. Ingenious, eh?
Now before you say, “I would never fall for such a scam”, consider the photo that the AFP used to bring this story some credibility:
That’s right, every guy reading this would be on the ground within 30 seconds.
Apparently, other types of drugs can also be used. What we know is that, regardless of the risk or aroma, men will happily put their face in any woman’s cleavage…following boobs like pigs to the trough. Even in Uganda, where they know the risk is to be robbed of everything you have, including your drawers, they keep falling for it.
So, to all of my pimp friends out there, I am not encouraging you to do this but it seems like a really good way to make some extra money. It is unclear why the girls don’t succumb to the chloroform but I am sure you can figure that out after running a few tests.
So ladies, the next time your man tells you he was “knocked out” by a woman’s breasts, he may just be telling you the truth.
P.S. Before any of you woman can say it, let me do it for you. ”Those are fake!!!” There, feel better?
3 Comments | 
Uncategorized | Tagged: news, Humor, fake boobs, boobs, Uganda, booby trap, breasts, bosom, chloroform, CID, Fred Enanga, chloroform on chest, Juliana Mukasa, businessmen robbed, drugs in drink | 
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Posted by tannerleah
November 29, 2008
It seems we have reached the end of one of the longest terrorist sieges in recent history. Unlike the typical terrorist attacks we have become accustomed to, primarily suicide bombers, here were several smaller groups with the instructions to keep killing until they were killed. As is often the case in these attacks, the killings seemed to be indiscriminate although there obviously was a clear effort to target certain groups. When it was over, however, Indian nationals clearly took the brunt of the assault.
So what was the point? Who was behind the massacre and what did they hope to accomplish? One of the first things they accomplished, whether intentional or not, was the immediate finger pointing by the government of India towards Pakistan of implicit involvement. This is not terribly surprising but somewhat disappointing. If this was the intent of the terrorists, further escalation of tension between India and Pakistan, mission accomplished.
But what if it wasn’t? A gunman in Mumbai’s Oberoi Trident hotel said this, “We love this as our country but when our mothers and sisters were being killed, where was everybody?” He was speaking about the persecution of Muslims in India. Muslims make up a little over 13% of the population while Hindu’s make up about 80%. The most obvious example of this persecution came to pass in 2002 when Hindu nationalists started anti-Muslim riots in the state of Gujarat. Some 2000 Muslims were killed. There were virtually no convictions.
As is the case for minorities in many countries, Indian Muslims tend to live poorer, shorter, and unhealthier lives than their Hindu counterparts. It does not help that Muslim dominated Kashmir is not recognized as independent and has been the source of 3 wars between India and Pakistan. Was this why a Jewish center was attacked? To draw a parallel between the Palestinian grievance with Israel and gain sympathy from a wider audience?
In the end, as is so often the case in history, the people that are repressed and “left for dead” in so many ways, rise up in violence and anger. Is it right? Of course not. But when you live in absolute squallier and are treated as something less than a human being, why would it be at all surprising that this is the result? I am not suggesting acquiescing to terrorist activity. However, to meet their force with larger force is simply no answer. There must be an understanding that, regardless of religious or political beliefs, human beings must be treated with dignity. I am not sure that is too much to ask.
If it was me, and it is not, I would continue to work on the relationship between India and Pakistan. I think the most obvious starting point is Kashmir. It seems to me that the Indian government should strongly consider redefining their border and allowing Pakistan to absorb much of it. (Obviously, China would be allowed to continue to control the Aksai Chin region).
In return for Kashmir, Pakistan would allow Indian and US forces unfettered access to the mountains adjacent to Afghanistan to attack al-Qaida and Taliban strongholds. This would help diffuse the mistrust between the Pakistani and Indian governments and not allow terrorists the ability to exacerbate these long held feelings.
Finally, India must address the situation with the Muslim community. Possibly through investment in infrastructure and political input IN SPITE of previous Muslim associated attacks on Hindus. What is clear is that treating Muslims as an afterthought can, and has, had dire consequences. Addressing this critical issue internally will go a long way in stopping outside forces from manipulating the Muslim community.
As is often the case, the vast majority of people caught up in this internal war are innocent. They are just decent people trying to carve out a better life for their families. It is up to the respective governments to meet the needs of their people rather than pursue some archaic prejudices that stop them from behaving in a humane and civilized way.
5 Comments | 
Uncategorized | Tagged: 10 gunmen, Afghanastan, Aksai Chin, al-Qaida, Asif Ali Zardari, Bombay, Chhatrapati Shivaji, Deccan Mujahideen, Gujarat, Hindu, India, Islamabad, Kashmir, massacre, Mohammad Ajmal Qasam, Mubai, Muslim, news, Oberoi Trident, opinion, Pakistan, Pranab Mukherjee, Rabbi Gavriel Noach Holtzberg, Taj Mahal hotel, Taliban, terrorist attack, Yousuf Raza Gilani | 
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Posted by tannerleah
November 28, 2008
I mean, why not? All you need is some sort of boat and something that looks like a rocket launcher to stop massive ships anytime you want. Apparently, there is no expertise involved because you don’t actually have to do anything. Just pull up along side and point your missile. The crew will cave in immediately.
So, how big of boat does one need to get started? Here is a photo of one of the nicer “pirate ships”.
Pretty sweet ride, eh? I like how friendly the pirates are…waving and smiling at the camera. I would definitely give them my tanker full of stuff.
Today, the 97th ship was hijacked in the Gulf of Aden. The ship was being guarded by 3 professional security guards. Unfortunately, 2 were from Britain and 1 from Ireland so they weren’t packing any heat. What did these brave security forces do when the pirates began to board the ship? They jumped overboard and swam away. Now that is the kind of security that has been so desperately lacking in previous hijack attempts.
My fear is that by the time I get my ratty boat and crappy rocket launcher put together, someone will actually figure out a way to stop these daring pirates. They might give a guy a rifle, for instance, so that when the pirate ship gets close, they just kill them first. Or, they might lob a grenade into their boat. Or, they might throw Molotov cocktails into their boat. Or, they might ram their big boat into the little pirate boat.
I realize these are all extremely complicated strategies which is why they have not been employed. Plus, they might have to pay a guy to do the job and I am not sure if these multi million dollar shippers could afford it. Especially if they were going to hire a security detail that would not jump overboard at the first sign of trouble! If you are willing to pay 15 million to release hostages, which some of these companies have, couldn’t you pony up maybe 15k to get Cletus and Leroy from Alabama to handle the job? I guaran-damn-tee ya those boys will keep you safe.
Still, since there is no sign whatsoever that shipping magnates are doing anything about it, I guess I can get in on the action. I will be looking for a small crew, so let me know if you are interested. I need at least one really big guy to sit in front of me on my boat in case any shooting breaks out. Oh, I will also need someone to hold my satellite dish while I watch Barney Miller reruns. Plus, I will need a fully stocked mini fridge and enough room for my couch. Hmm…seems like I still have some work do to on my plan. I’ll keep you updated.
6 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: Anti-Piracy Maritime Security Solutions, Biscaglia, British guards, Centauri, Christophe Prazuck, evasive maneuvers, Gulf of Aden, Humor, International Maritime Bureau, NATO, news, pirate, pirate ship, ship hijacking, Somali pirates, Somalia, tanker | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah
November 26, 2008
When Alex Rouse, from Green Bay WI, came home recently to a house smelling of smoke, she knew something was terribly wrong. What she didn’t know was just how wrong is was about to get.
After searching the house quickly and checking the furnace, she went into the kitchen and saw that her oven was turned on. When she opened the oven door, she found her Pekinese/poodle puppy, Hulk, burnt to a crisp. Here is a photo of the late Hulk:
All that is known, at this point, is that someone broke into the house and placed the dog in the oven.
I consider myself a fairly open minded individual but I just don’t see any scenario where I would break into someones home and cook their dog. When Glenn Close cooked the rabbit in Fatal Attraction, I could kind of understand it. People eat rabbits and they are not that much fun to play with. I also understand that certain cultures eat dogs and I am ok with that too.
However, to do such a thing out of sheer spite, or stupidity, is truly a galling act. It wasn’t even an ugly dog! Maybe the person broke in the house and wanted to shut up the yapping dog. Out of all of the possible ways to acomplish this, this person came up with the “oven plan”. That is a special kind of sick mind that comes up with that kind of plan.
So, as you start planning to cook your Thanksgiving turkey, please, keep an eye on your pets. Especially the smaller ones that can fit inside of any kitchen appliance. I suspect copycat killers will soon follow and move on to the microwave (again), refrigerator, garbage disposal, blender…well, you get the idea. And I suppose if, God forbid, you do end up accidentally cooking a pet, at least throw some onions and carrots on top. It’s just not right to waste good food.
Tip a tall cool one to the late Hulk. Happy Thanksgiving!
3 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: Alex Rouse, boiled rabbit, Captain Karl Fluery, dog in oven, Fatal Attraction, Glenn Close, Green Bay WI, Hulk, news | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah
November 25, 2008
Or, at least you could have stopped it according to his family. While I understand the outrage the family feels because Abraham Biggs Jr died slowly while on a live video feed, the anger is misplaced. It is similar to the desire of some to close the Golden Gate Bridge because people keep jumping off of it. Or to ban guns because bad people do bad things with them. Or to ban TV shows, heavy metal music or video games because they might send a troubled kid “over the edge”. (Yeah, I am talking to to you, Senator Douchebag Lieberman).
In the end, you can’t ban everything in the world because a few might corrupt its original intent. Should you put reasonable restraints in place? Sure, but be careful of your definition of “reasonable”. Look, I fully understand that when a loved one dies, someone or something needs to be blamed. But the truth is, particularly in suicide cases, the “blame” belongs to the individual conducting the act. It is a crying shame that the help Abraham was receiving for his depression and bipolar disorder was not enough to pull him out of his deadly spiral.
However, to somehow hold complete strangers accountable, regardless of their insensitive comments, is baseless. Is it despicable and disgusting that this is how some people behaved? Sure it is but let’s also keep in mind that this is a generation that is used to being deceived and manipulated. We have created a cynical society through much larger acts than video games and TV shows. All you had to do was watch the vitriol that adults spewed on a daily basis during the recent elections to see where this behavior comes from.
In the end, we all need to look in the mirror. The vast majority of the time, what our loved ones do is our responsibility. Stop looking for something or someone else to fix it or blame it on. If you need help, seek it out. If you are in a position to help someone, do it without waiting to be asked. Be Christ like, if you will…believer or not.
We know there will be more people killing themselves TODAY. If you know one of these people, stop what you are doing and do everything in your power to get them help immediately. Will it be enough? Maybe or maybe not. But I know that if everybody spent more time on taking care of the people that they love, instead of bitching about all of the things they can’t do, these kind of things could be greatly reduced.
Have a nice day! 
EDIT: Here is a link to the original story.
http://tech.yahoo.com/news/nm/20081121/tc_nm/us_internet_suicide_1
18 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: Abraham Biggs, bipolar disorder, Golden Gate Bridge, Joe Lieberman, Justin.tv, Man kills self online, Michael Seibel, news, Pembroke Pines, Rosalind Bigg, suicide, Wendy Crane | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah
November 24, 2008
Normally, when anyone from the Church of Scientology is accused of something strange, I am willing to lay good odds that the story is at least partially true. After all, L Ron Hubbard does not strike me as the most balanced person that ever started a church. So, when I heard the story about a guy getting shot for waving around samurai swords, it seemed like that there was something more to the story.
Well, after seeing this photo on the TMZ website, I am going to say I would have shot the got too…probably several times.
Now, normally when I see a guy with a tattoo of a talking hand on one side of his neck and flowers (or maybe a dragon) on the other, I think immediately Hare Krishna. Not to mention that the guy, Mario Majorski, definitely has the right haircut. From what I know, the Krishna’s are a fairly passive group.
However, when you look like an extra from a “B” grade sci-fi movie AND are swinging around two swords, well, there is little choice at that point but to shoot you. As it turns out, Mario might have had some trouble with the law in the past. Not to stereotype but after looking at this photo, I would have made that bet as well.
Hmm…seems I remember another famous Samurai warrior that attends the Church of Scientology.
My guess is that Mario challenged Tom to a fight on a sofa at the Celebrity Centre (I suppose they thought “Center” would just be too low brow for them) and Tom wussied out. Although, I must say that I would have probably done the same thing. I suspect Mario would have used “gang rules” samurai fighting which, obviously, Tom would not have been prepared for. Totally unfair.
Anyway, I just wanted to commend John Travolta and his team of aliens for getting it right for once. Whatever ship L Ron is flying around in space on at the moment, I am sure he is proud.
Peace, my alien brothers.
Leave a Comment » | Uncategorized | Tagged: Celebrity Centre, Church of Scientology, Hare Krishna, Humor, John Travolta, L Ron Hubbard, Mario Majorski, news, religion, samurai sword, Scientologists, Tom Cruise, Wendi Berndt | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah
November 24, 2008
Of all of the washed up, has been’s, why bring her back? Was Danny Bonaduce or “The Hoff” not available? And of all of the possible formats to choose, a variety show? Really? Doesn’t that mean that the star of the show has to have some sort of tangible talent? Christ, at least Donnie and Marie could sing a little. (Plus Marie was quite the looker).
What is it exactly that Rosie is going to do? She has already used the “I am hot for Tom Cruise” hiding in the closet routine. Not to mention completely back stabbing the incomparable Tom Selleck. Sure, it all makes sense now that we know that she hates all men but who cares? She has no shtick.
You might as well give that cackling hag from So You Think You Can Dance the gig. Believe me, listening to Rosie sing will be equally painful. What’s that you say? Don’t watch the show? Obviously, that goes without saying. But what about all of the unsupervised kids out there? They might be unwittingly exposed to this horror show and be scarred for life…kind of like Squirrel.
I can’t believe things are so bad at NBC that they actually came up with this idea. Oh wait, yes I can. These are the same idiots that brought back Knight Rider. Now it is all starting to make perfect sense. If Gabe Kaplan were still alive, God rest his soul, we would be seeing the all new adventures of “Welcome Back Kotter” any day now.
I am going to go on record as saying this show lasts 2 to 3 weeks, max. Even if every Sam Ronson fan in America tunes in religiously, there will just not be enough viewers. Plus, it’s Rosie freakin O’Donnell! Eww…I just threw up a little in my mouth. But I had Wendy’s for lunch so it wasn’t completely terrible.
The only good news is that The Gary Coleman “Little People” Variety Show is the back up if Rosie should fail. Todd Bridges will guest star and show everyone how to make homemade bombs. Plus, Vern Troyer will get sh**faced and try to get his game on with Natalie from The Facts of Life. Mmm…Natalie was smoking!
OMG! She is even hotter today! Who knew? Excuse me, I have to leave now. Where the hell did I put my Kleenex…
10 Comments | Uncategorized | Tagged: Danny Bonaduce, Donnie and Marie, Facts of Life, Gabe Kaplan, Gary Coleman, Humor, Knight Rider, Mary Murphy, Mindy Cohn, Natalie, NBC, news, Rosie O' Donnell, Samantha Ronson, So You Think You Can Dance, SYTYCD, The Hoff, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, tv, Welcome Back Kotter | Permalink
Posted by tannerleah
